ehhh ehhh ehhh. What is life doing to me these days? Some days feel so powerful, others I feel so useless and alone. Everything has been such a mess lately. My truck is constantly breaking down, and I just got a ticket to boot. I haven't been getting any hours at work so I applied for unemployment. Family has been quite crappy also. My parents actually told me that they want to see me fail. My dad, who lives in North Carolina, is the only one who has been giving me any support these days. He wasn't there for me when I was growing up, and even if he is trying to make up fir it now, he sure does give me the confidence and advice I need. I told my mom that I a changing my career and going back to school for what I really want to do, baking, and she laughed in my face. My mom and I used to be best friends, and for her to laugh at my dream is very saddening. I have only one other person besides me dad that gives me all the support and love I need, and that is my best friend Alaura.
Alaura just moved into my apartment, and I am so thankful she has. She also has quite the same deal with her parents as I do, and I think thats what makes us such good friends. We give each other support. I used to have one other person i felt this way about, they guy I mention in all my other blogs. I haven't heard anything, and everyone is telling me to move on. I have this feeling like I really should, but then theres always that what if. What if he comes home and wants me back. what happens if I am dating someone new? Will I then lose him forever? What happens if he comes home and wants nothing to do with me? Will I have then wasted my time waiting for him and missing out on other opportunities? i just miss everything about him. I miss all the little things. Like him driving with his hand resting on my knee singing country songs off key. The way I would fall asleep in his arms and the last thing I would hear was his heartbeat against my cheek. I am so stuck in the middle. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. Well I am going to stop babbling for right now and I will write more later.
Shawna Marie